Like many women I fancy the idea that someday I’ll stumble upon that special person I am meant to share the rest of my life with.   While I’m not expecting some unrealistic magical love-at-first-sight moment in which we’ll take one look at each other and “just know”, I do believe in true love and the power of human connection – the kind that develops gradually over time, through shared experiences. 

I yearn for the kind of relationship in which I can share moments and pieces of myself with someone; to have the kind of connection that leads to thoughtful conversations filled with laughter and love for one another.  Sharing a simple glance, and seeing in his eyes absolute love, compassion and understanding.   Queue the swooning….  Sounds so easy – right?  It could be that easy, but we each carry all sorts of emotional baggage that we end up sabotaging ourselves.

Two months ago I met a handsome, intelligent, charming, funny, sensible, articulate, knowledgeable, and responsible man.  He’s also a loving and extremely involved father which happens to be a super attractive quality to me.  He’s just awesome!  Except that due to his work schedule and my lack of transportation we don’t see each other much.  While taking things slow is the sensible approach, part of me feels that if he wanted to see me he’d make the time to do so.  I mean, we could work out together or I could help him with his chores while we chat, etc.  In typical analytical form I start imaging that perhaps he’s really not as interested as he initially seemed. He’s always either working, training, working out, spending time with his children or preparing his weekly healthy meals.  Really? Perhaps he’s just leading me on…I mean I’m a perfectly chill chick, witty, smart and easy to get along with – why wouldn’t he want me around more often?  Why wouldn’t he want to introduce me to his friends? Why is he always so busy? My verdict – He’s emotionally unavailable.

But wait!!!!

What about me?  If I’m going to come to such a conclusion about him, I need to take an honest look at myself.  Have I truly been my charming, smart self? Have I honestly been open?

The truth is that I have been apprehensive and more than just a little withdrawn.  The poor guy has practically been doing all the talking every time we’ve spent time together!!!  Here I’ve been all sanctimonious, judging him as evasive and emotionally unavailable when in fact I haven’t exactly opened up to him either.  SMH

He’s intuitive enough to realize that something has been off with me even asking me point blank, “are you okay?” In spite of my dismissive replies he has given me several chances to open up but instead I sat on my “high horse” inwardly judging him.   I think I owe him an apology.  He is a great guy and despite this recent realization I too am a great gal.  I really would like to continue spending time with him, even if our dates are few and far between now.

SIGH…